Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
