halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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