I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
