Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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