I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
