your parents love me but you hate me
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
