did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He better not be in your backpack
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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