Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
birth control should be required to get into college
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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