I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
