Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
