She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
