I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
