The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
