She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
ttyl tear gas
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
