i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
