Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
