i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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