How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
