I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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