dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
