She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
