turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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