Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
