We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
