i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
