you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
