Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
