I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
