Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
