dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
