Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
