I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Im part way to drunk.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
