my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
