I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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