how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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