mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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