she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
