she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
