Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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