There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
