U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
