i just google imaged poop.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
