matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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