My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I touched a dick in church today
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
