sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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