i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
