I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
