when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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