I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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