very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
